Drunk Dog
posted by rascalina @ 10/27/2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
Kids Got it easy these days
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways... through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs .. to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill.... where they worked
for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would tak e like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up. We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980
for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would tak e like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up. We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980
posted by rascalina @ 10/24/2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
George Carlin on New Orleans
I know many have said it but this is pretty much how it goes ala George Carlin.
Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans...First we would like tosay, Sorry for your loss.
With that said, let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)
#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get thehell out. Don't blame the Government after they tellyou to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see theargument. They said get out... if you didn't, it'syour fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it,even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water andnon-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not theGovernment's fault you're starving.
#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a storethat has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD'sare not edible. Leave them alone.)
#2b. If the local store has been looted of food orwater, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Justbecause they were smart enough to leave during amandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right totake their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot atthem and then complain no one is helping you. I'm notgetting shot to help save some dumbass who didn'tleave when told to do so.
#4. If you are in your house that is completely underwater, your belongings are probably too far gone foranyone to want them. If someone does want them, letthem have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warriorand put a curse on them!)
#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 milliondollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city thatis under sea level. You wouldn't build your house onquicksand would you? You want to live belowsea-level, do your country some good and join theNavy.
#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps JessieJackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The USGovernmentdidn't create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate theblack people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as away to destroy America). The US Government didn'tcause global warming that caused the hurricane (We'vebeen coming out of an ice age for over a millionyears).
#7. The government isn't responsible for giving youanything. This is the land of the free and the homeof the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damnjob and stop spooning off the people who are actuallyworking for a living. President Kennedy said itbest..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."
Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans...First we would like tosay, Sorry for your loss.
With that said, let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)
#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get thehell out. Don't blame the Government after they tellyou to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see theargument. They said get out... if you didn't, it'syour fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it,even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)
#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water andnon-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not theGovernment's fault you're starving.
#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a storethat has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD'sare not edible. Leave them alone.)
#2b. If the local store has been looted of food orwater, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Justbecause they were smart enough to leave during amandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right totake their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.
#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot atthem and then complain no one is helping you. I'm notgetting shot to help save some dumbass who didn'tleave when told to do so.
#4. If you are in your house that is completely underwater, your belongings are probably too far gone foranyone to want them. If someone does want them, letthem have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warriorand put a curse on them!)
#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 milliondollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city thatis under sea level. You wouldn't build your house onquicksand would you? You want to live belowsea-level, do your country some good and join theNavy.
#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps JessieJackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The USGovernmentdidn't create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate theblack people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as away to destroy America). The US Government didn'tcause global warming that caused the hurricane (We'vebeen coming out of an ice age for over a millionyears).
#7. The government isn't responsible for giving youanything. This is the land of the free and the homeof the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damnjob and stop spooning off the people who are actuallyworking for a living. President Kennedy said itbest..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."
posted by rascalina @ 10/11/2005
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Postulate
Following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...
Leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...
Leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
posted by rascalina @ 10/04/2005
I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFULBLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY'S HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHEREHE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONEOF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEENUNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THESTRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THEPOOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOURPARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCKA CARROT UP MY BUTT?".
SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER."
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHEREHE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONEOF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEENUNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THESTRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THEPOOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOURPARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCKA CARROT UP MY BUTT?".
SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER."
posted by rascalina @ 10/04/2005
Why women are single these days!
Why women are single these days!
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married/engaged.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN !!!
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married/engaged.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN !!!
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
posted by rascalina @ 10/04/2005
Loyalty in Marriage
As it were, a woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for severalmonths... yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he opened his eyes and motioned for her to come nearer.
She pulled closer and leaned forward to better hear his raspy whisper.
His eyes full of tears, he said,
"You know what? You have been steadfastly with me all through the bad times.When I got fired, you were there to support me.When my business failed, you were there.When the boat capsized, you were close at hand.
When I got shot, you were by my side.When we lost the house, you stayed right here.When my health started failing, you were still by my side; and you know what?""What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me.
One day, he opened his eyes and motioned for her to come nearer.
She pulled closer and leaned forward to better hear his raspy whisper.
His eyes full of tears, he said,
"You know what? You have been steadfastly with me all through the bad times.When I got fired, you were there to support me.When my business failed, you were there.When the boat capsized, you were close at hand.
When I got shot, you were by my side.When we lost the house, you stayed right here.When my health started failing, you were still by my side; and you know what?""What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me.
posted by rascalina @ 10/04/2005
