Things that make you go hmmmm

Never a Year Like '09 - JibJab

2009-12-29T13:43:00.001-06:00

Maxine's Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

2009-10-02T21:42:00.001-05:00

Here is the solution:

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my
sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to
suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.

A new hip?

Unheard of.

We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.

You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes,
heart problems, etc.

Let's take care of the young people.

After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution.

When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets You are allowed to shoot
one senator and 2 representatives.

Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a
day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!

New teeth, great!

Need glasses, no problem!

New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on.

And who will be paying for all of this.

The same government that just told you that you are too old for health
care.

And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

Tee-hee

2009-02-11T13:18:00.001-06:00

Clarifying things.

An ingenious Oratorical and Political example happened recently in the United Nations, and it made the world-wide community present smile.

The representative of Israel before the United Nations:
-" Before beginning my speech I would like to say something about Moses:
When Moses struck the rock and water started flowing from it, he thought 'what a good opportunity to take a bath.' He took off his clothes, laid them next to the rock and entered the water. When he finished his bath and went to get dressed, his clothes were not there. The Palestinians had robbed them".

The representative of Palestine jumped, furious, and said:
-" What are you talking about! The Palestinians were not there then! ".

The representative of Israel smiled and said:
- " Very well… and now that we've cleared the issue of who arrived here first and who were the invaders, I will begin my speech".

Florida court sets atheist holy day

2009-02-03T09:09:00.001-06:00

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination
case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The
argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized
days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the
passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your
honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have
Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your
client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it
is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no
God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is
adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Letter to employees!!

2009-01-20T15:02:00.000-06:00

Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don't see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the off ice at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my li fe for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accou nting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic g rowth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

< STRONG>So where am I going with all this?

It's quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it , will be my citizenship.

If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....

Signed,
Your boss

Charlie Gibson Interviews Sarah Palin

2008-09-16T14:57:00.001-05:00

EXCERPTS: Charlie Gibson Interviews Sarah Palin (September 11, 2008)

THE BOLDED & UNDERLINED PARTS WERE EDITED OUT OF THE INTERVIEW

http://marklevinshow.com/gibson-interview/

"How Come I Would Make the Economy Better" by Barry Obama

2008-09-16T14:42:00.000-05:00

http://www.suitablyflip.com/suitably_flip/2008/09/how-come-i-woul.html

Natalie Portman's Foot Fetish | ZapRoot 049

2008-08-15T23:11:00.001-05:00

weird

The 7 stages of sex

2008-06-03T21:34:00.001-05:00

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and
you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your
sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun
at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

True Friendship -- None of that Sissy Crap

2008-04-26T06:34:00.001-05:00

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no
cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of
our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I
would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get
until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you
up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.

Where do little boys come from :)

2008-04-19T13:21:00.001-05:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The
father answers: 'Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-
cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-
Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

Coma

2008-04-02T12:19:00.001-06:00

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in
her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was
a slight response on the monitor when she touched her special spot.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They
went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close
the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked.

2008-03-15T11:36:00.001-06:00

http://www.instapunk.com/archives/InstaPunkArchiveV2.php3?a=1298

Permission Slip

2008-03-07T08:34:00.000-06:00

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to
call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If
your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing
white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden GateBridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy
near Hanoi When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then
return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Dear Dogs and Cats

2008-02-27T12:31:00.000-06:00

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

Russell Peters in Tonight Show with Jay Leno

2008-02-17T11:54:00.000-06:00

Irish Love Story

2008-02-11T21:50:00.001-06:00

IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ...

'Fuck off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

The Job - Urine Test

2008-01-24T15:54:00.000-06:00

THE JOB - URINE TEST

(I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE pat on the back!)

I HAVE TO PASS A URINE TEST FOR MY JOB... SO I AGREE 100% Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ASS, doing drugs, while I work. . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Something has to change in this country -- and soon!

Newly designed Mattress

2007-12-19T10:45:00.001-06:00

Someone has finally made an orthopedic mattress
just for MEN.

Available only at
"Butts, Boobs and Beyond."

Death Star Canteen

2007-11-05T12:04:00.000-06:00

Tequila for Mi Amor

2007-08-30T07:29:00.000-05:00

TEQUILA FOR MI AMOR...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned.

The Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

ARRIBA!!!!!!!

Oh so funny and oh So true

2007-08-24T09:11:00.000-05:00

2007-08-20T22:21:00.001-05:00

WHY I LOVE MOM

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll go to bed"

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls,took meat out of the freezer for
supper the following evening,checked the cereal box levels, filled
the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started
the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes
into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back
on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel
to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by
the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for
the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the
envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both
near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night
solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushedand flossed her teeth
and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dishand put the cat outside, then
made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps
and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper,
and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next
day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6
most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and
visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular. "I'm going to bed."

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why womenlive longer...?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner,
we still have things to do!!!!)

Purina Diet

2007-08-19T08:40:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, the wonder dog , at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

The Nun at Hooters

2007-08-15T10:06:00.001-05:00

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with

music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would

go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only

a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the

back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud

round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me

just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

WHY WOMEN ARE SO CRABBY

2007-08-07T08:14:00.000-05:00

Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
This is a Trip! It's real!

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little. And send it to seven men you know that can take it

Get a sneak peek of the all-new AOL.com.

And here is why parents drink....

2007-07-27T10:47:00.001-05:00

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Follow-up: He still was grounded for the report card … curfew was 9 PM – including weekends – for 3 weeks and no driving privileges. But because it was funny he got breakfast in bed on the last day of the slam.

Dunno what this is

2007-07-21T09:22:00.001-05:00

http://poststuffx.entensity.net/072007/911leno.wmv

funny prank on a telemarketer

2007-07-21T09:13:00.001-05:00

http://www.influks.com/post739.html?666

Time Gets Better With Age

2007-05-03T12:47:00.001-05:00

Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings

"Silent Night". Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what

they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes

me clean it up again. Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try

cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my

parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of

advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great

pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed

me there. Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live

so t hat no one will believe it. Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't

know how to show it. Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a

little note. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his

or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,

life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.

Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the

phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles

these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas

tree lights. Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet

full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your&n bsp;parents, you

miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a

life. Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your

children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on

both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude ;you. But if you

focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new

people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually

make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a

friendly pat on the back. Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this one on to someone you care about.

Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile

TeeHee

2007-05-03T12:40:00.001-05:00

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her

husband is at work. The 9-year old son comes home

early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to

watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes

home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that

the little boy is already in there. The little boy

says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy:

"My Dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy:

"$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover

find themselves in the closet again. Boy: "Dark in

here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball

glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks

the boy, "How much?" Boy: "$750" Man: "Sold"

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your

glove, let's go outside and have game of catch." The

boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000" The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip

off your friends like that...that is way more than

those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to

confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the

confessional and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark

in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit

again; you're in my closet now."

The Washcloth

2007-04-19T10:31:00.001-05:00

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in, Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

I'm NEVER going back to that doctor, ever!!

Water or Wine

2007-04-17T12:45:00.000-05:00

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli)
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
Poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or
other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it
as
a public service.

What happens when a Pit bull picks a fight with a Porcupine?

2007-04-17T12:30:00.000-05:00

Somewhere out there is a naked porcupine.

Bar stool Tax Policy

2007-04-17T12:15:00.001-05:00

http://gregmankiw.blogspot.com/2007/03/barstool-tax-policy.html

You're Pitiful - weird al

2006-09-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

My life is brilliant
What, was I too early?
Oh, sorry... Should I - do you wanna start over, or...
Keep going? Okay... now? Now?

My life is brilliant
Your life's a joke
You're just pathetic
You're always broke
Your homemade Star Trek uniform
Really ain't impressin' me
You're sufferin' from delusions of
Adequacy

You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
Never had a date
That you couldn't inflate
And you smell repulsive too
What a bummer bein' you

Well, you just can't dance
And forget romance
Everybody you know still calls you...
Farty-Pants
But you'll always have a job - well, I mean...
As long as you still can work that Slurpee machine

You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
You're half-undressed
Eatin' chips off your chest
While youre playin' Halo 2
No one's classier than you

La la la la, la la la la
La la la la loser

You're pitiful
You're pitiful
You're pitiful, it's true
Your dog would much rather play fetch by itself
You still live with your mom and you're 42
Guess you'll never grow a clue
Well, it just sucks to be you

White n Nerdy - Weird Al

2006-09-08T08:33:00.000-05:00

White & Nerdy
------------
Parody of "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire
New lyrics by Al Yankovic

They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking I'm so white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy?
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy
I wanna roll with
The gangstas
But so far they all think I'm too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy.
Really really white and nerdy.

First in my class here at MIT
Got skills, I'm a champion at D&D
MC Escher - that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You'll find that they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawking's in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin' for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at Minesweeper - I could play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed
My fingers' movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well I'm number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I got a soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon

They see me roll on
My Segway
I know in my heart they think I'm white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy
I'd like to roll with
The gangstas
Although it's apparent I'm too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
How'd I get so white and nerdy

I've been browsin', inspectin'
X-Men comics, you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect 'em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do HTML for 'em all
Even made a homepage for my dog
Yo, I got myself a fanny pack
They were havin' a sale down at The Gap
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
Pop, pop, hope no one sees me
Gettin' freaky
I'm nerdy in the extreme
And whiter than sour cream
I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team
Only question I
Ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk
Or do I like Picard
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair
Got my name on my underwear

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy
Just because I'm white and nerdy
Just because I'm white and nerdy
All because I'm white and nerdy
Holy cow, I'm white and nerdy
I wanna bowl with
The gangstas
But, oh well, it's obvious I'm white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy

Maybe or Maybe NOT

2006-08-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

THE FOLLOWING LETTER WAS WRITTEN BY STEVEN SPIELBERG

August 1st 2006

Dear Mr. Gibson,

I am one Jew who doesn't accept your apology today. I don't accept it, because you have spit on the graves of the Goldwyns, the Warners, the Mayers, the Cohens, the Foxes, the Thalbergs, the Selznicks, the Zukors and the thousands of other Jews both living and dead who have made your questionable career possible.

When you do get out of "rehab" and recount your millions, please consider how much of your fortune you would have if you had made your true feelings known, when you were starting out in the film industry.

You are a despicable human being, one that doesn't even have the sense to realize that he has repeatedly bitten the hand that fed him. Whatever you (or your publicity agents) say today, does not even begin to redress your long standing theories about the Jewish people.

Apparently the apple does not fall far from the tree. If you haven't yet distanced yourself from your father's views of the Holocaust, why should the Jewish community meet with you, or believe anything you have to say now.

Your words are a thinly veiled attempt to admit that you really messed up this time, and you want to cover yourself, so that you can continue to be adored and further your revenue stream.

The truth is, you are an unreformed, unrepentant anti-semite of the worst kind, and your hollow outreach is worth less than the price of your next drink, which will surely find itself in your hands before long. I'm buying.

Of course, if I am wrong, you could start by donating $1,000,000 today to the State of Israel in her time of need.

Surely that is a small public relations price to pay for a man of your stature who "honors all of God's children".

Steven Spielberg
New Rochelle, NY
Al H.

A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

2006-06-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my
car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail
on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in
the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is
full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take
out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is
only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside
the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had
been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I
see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my
reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm
going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it
on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the
kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it
spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some
towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed,

the bills aren't paid,

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get
some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Guess who

2006-05-04T09:55:00.000-05:00

Guess who ??

2006-05-04T09:53:00.000-05:00

Guess who

2006-05-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

George Carlin's Views on Aging

2006-01-28T07:40:00.000-06:00

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna

be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes,

it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You! MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about t he computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county;

to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I LOVE YOU....

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.

NEW Rules for 2006

2005-12-29T15:47:00.000-06:00

1.) Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2.) Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

3.) Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4.) If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

5.) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6.) There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

7.) Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

8.) The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass
hole.

9.) I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

10.) Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

11.) Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

12.) I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13.) If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

14.) No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

15.) and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

16.) When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

new equation for math class

2005-12-29T10:17:00.000-06:00

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top .

Rex

2005-12-28T20:57:00.000-06:00

Funny Pics

2005-12-28T20:56:00.000-06:00

Funny Pics

2005-12-28T20:53:00.000-06:00

Funny Pics

2005-12-28T20:52:00.000-06:00

Loyalty in Marriage

2005-12-20T13:22:00.000-06:00

As it were, a woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months... yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he opened his eyes and motioned for her to come nearer.

She pulled closer and leaned forward to better hear his raspy whisper.

His eyes full of tears, he said,

"You know what? You have been steadfastly with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When the boat capsized, you were close at hand.

When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side; and you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me.

Don't you folks agree

2005-12-20T13:19:00.000-06:00

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter.

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

2005-11-30T13:53:00.000-06:00

is there any damn food in here?

2005-11-30T13:51:00.001-06:00

my the pussy tastes goooooood!!

2005-11-30T13:51:00.000-06:00

i was thirsty

2005-11-30T13:50:00.003-06:00

i can fit in that door

2005-11-30T13:50:00.002-06:00

look what i can do

2005-11-30T13:50:00.001-06:00

mommy has a big fat ass

2005-11-30T13:50:00.000-06:00

sleepy baby

2005-11-30T13:49:00.001-06:00

mmmm tasty

2005-11-30T13:49:00.000-06:00

Hello, Stranger :)

2005-11-30T13:48:00.002-06:00

Leaf DIVE !!!!!!!!!!

2005-11-30T13:48:00.001-06:00

AM I dry yet?

2005-11-30T13:48:00.000-06:00

hands

2005-11-30T13:47:00.002-06:00

OH MY GOD

2005-11-30T13:47:00.001-06:00

what are you looking at?

2005-11-30T13:47:00.000-06:00

Mommy's Skirt

Drunk Dog

2005-10-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

Kids Got it easy these days

2005-10-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways... through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs .. to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full- time, after-school job at the local textile mill.... where they worked
for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would tak e like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up. We had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980

George Carlin on New Orleans

2005-10-11T10:50:00.000-05:00

I know many have said it but this is pretty much how it goes ala George Carlin.

Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans...First we would like tosay, Sorry for your loss.

With that said, let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get thehell out. Don't blame the Government after they tellyou to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see theargument. They said get out... if you didn't, it'syour fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it,even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water andnon-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not theGovernment's fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a storethat has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD'sare not edible. Leave them alone.)

#2b. If the local store has been looted of food orwater, leave your neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Justbecause they were smart enough to leave during amandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right totake their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot atthem and then complain no one is helping you. I'm notgetting shot to help save some dumbass who didn'tleave when told to do so.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely underwater, your belongings are probably too far gone foranyone to want them. If someone does want them, letthem have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warriorand put a curse on them!)

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 milliondollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city thatis under sea level. You wouldn't build your house onquicksand would you? You want to live belowsea-level, do your country some good and join theNavy.

#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps JessieJackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The USGovernmentdidn't create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate theblack people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as away to destroy America). The US Government didn'tcause global warming that caused the hurricane (We'vebeen coming out of an ice age for over a millionyears).

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving youanything. This is the land of the free and the homeof the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damnjob and stop spooning off the people who are actuallyworking for a living. President Kennedy said itbest..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

Postulate

2005-10-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

Following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...

Leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

2005-10-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFULBLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY'S HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHEREHE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONEOF MY KIDS."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEENUNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THESTRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THEPOOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOURPARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCKA CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER."

Why women are single these days!

2005-10-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

Why women are single these days!
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married/engaged.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN !!!

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Loyalty in Marriage

2005-10-04T10:46:00.000-05:00

As it were, a woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for severalmonths... yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he opened his eyes and motioned for her to come nearer.

She pulled closer and leaned forward to better hear his raspy whisper.

His eyes full of tears, he said,

"You know what? You have been steadfastly with me all through the bad times.When I got fired, you were there to support me.When my business failed, you were there.When the boat capsized, you were close at hand.
When I got shot, you were by my side.When we lost the house, you stayed right here.When my health started failing, you were still by my side; and you know what?""What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me.

Why there was no looting in Texas after Rita

2005-09-30T12:14:00.000-05:00

And this is why...

Smoking in the rain

2004-08-04T15:26:00.000-05:00

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day,

Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Job Opening

2004-08-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Airplane

2004-07-21T11:01:00.000-05:00

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."